America needs a male guide to life without spouses. I love tuna casserole, for example, but Stouffers doesn’t make it. So the cookbook says to drain the tuna. And how do you drain tuna? It doesn’t say. Then you need two cups of cooked noodles. But how many cups of UN-cooked noodles is that, and what kind of noodles? Have you been to the noodle aisle lately? Cripes, it’s worse than juices.

Okay, so I boiled some egg noodles and put them in a measuring cup, and a bunch slid onto the floor, but hey — what are dogs for? Then it calls for a 12 oz. can of tuna. Tuna fish comes in 5 oz. cans. They want a 10oz can of cream of mushroom soup. My can is 16 oz.

Next, chopped scallions. I have scallions in the fridge because of my failed attempt at tossing pizza dough last month when it wound up on windows, dog, floor, houseplants and such. The scallion leaves are not too grey yet, so I toss them in. But is it the greens or the bulbs?

They don’t say, but I intend to find out. America needs help, and I shall provide it.

How often do you change the dishtowel I wonder?