I could have words with the AKC because (1) it categorizes dogs, then (2) decides what their “best” features should be (as in bulldog-like breeds whose noses are so mashed in they can hardly breathe), and then (3) congratulate themselves with a dainty dog show and ribbons. If it weren’t for a bunch of devoted folks, including my old friend, author and Virginia stockman Donald McCaig, they would have destroyed the border collie as a working breed years ago.

Granted, the beagle is about as unpretentious a breed as you’ll ever find on a winner’s lead, but the beagle used to be a proud working dog, and regardless what one thinks of it’s work, now it’s only bred to be … what, pretty? Maybe that’s okay, I don’t know. But what’s a Great Pyrenees with no snowy mountains and nothing to guard? Or the poodle — a once and brilliant retriever, now with no placate (Freudian typo) to swim except a groomer’s tub on Sutton Place.

Where in hell is Westminster anyway?