America needs a male guide to life without spouses. When Janet died, for example, Stouffers got me by for a while, but then somebody mentioned tuna casserole. I LOVE tuna casserole, but Stouffers doesn’t make it.  Janet could whip one up in minutes, but I was left with Fannie Farmer and Joy of Cooking. I went to Fannie Farmer.

Whoops, I’m supposed to drain the tuna. How do you drain tuna? In a sieve of course, which I did until I met Bride, who cut off the top of the can, smushed it into the tuna for juice for the cat, and was done. Then it says you need two cups of cooked noodles. Okay. How many cups of UN-cooked noodles is that, and what kind of noodles? Have you been to the noodle aisle lately? Cripes, it’s worse than juices.

Okay, so I boiled some egg noodles and put them in a measuring cup, and a bunch slid onto the floor, but hey — what are dogs for? Then it mentioned two cups of cheese sauce, but I didn’t want two cups of cheese in my body that night, so I escaped to The Joy of Cooking.

It calls for a 12 oz. can of tuna. Tuna fish comes in 5 oz. cans. And they call for a 10 oz. can of cream of mushroom soup. My can is 16 oz.

Then Joy calls for 2 tsb (I know what that means!) of chopped scallions. I have scallions in the fridge because of my failed pizza attempt last month when the dough ended up on the windows, dogs, floor, houseplants and such. The scallion leaves are not too grey or moldy yet, so I toss them in.

But is it the greens or the bulb? I intend to find out. America needs help, and I shall provide it. How often do you change the dishtowel for example?